Lots of thinking going on...

About lots of things, mostly my psychology and how it relates to my sexuality. (Gee, you'd think I was horny all day!)

I just love to play psychologist on my mental peculiarities. Not that I don't love them. I consider myself kinked and curved in all the right places.

I have always been fascinated by predators - not just human ones, but in the animal world as well, big cats, birds of prey, snakes, etc...and I think that comes back to my submissive nature, and the fact that I love to be considered prey.

I was thinking about how much that affects everything to do with sex in my life, from the guys I am attracted to right down to the guys I actually end up with. (This seemed much more profound on the bus, really...)

For instance, I have the most powerful chemistry with guys who objectify me to a certain extent - treat me a little like an object, like a trophy to be pursued. I love to be pursued (sexually anyway, emotionally it just shits me) and it heightens the excitement for me to be seen as 'prey'. I think I came to realize a lot of this when I was with D - just the things I liked about being with him - he loved acting like I was his trophy, showing me off to his friends and telling me how hot they thought I was.

One of my most powerful physical memories of him is from one of the numerous times I had decided to be 'just friends' with him, and he was determinedly seducing me, because we always liked to play those sorts of little games when we were supposed to be just friends. He knew that physically I couldn't help but want him, and was using it to his advantage. We were sitting on the bus, and he was in my personal space, so I could smell him and feel his warmth, and he ever so slowly started to rub his jaw and chin over my face, so the stubble scratched my chin, and it was enough to make me tremble - it ended up being enough to break me, that time.

I think part of our whole relationship, and why it happened again and again that way is that he always knows I want him. There's no aphrodisiac like confidence, and when he was seducing me, for a time I was too intoxicated with being a possession to remember the emotional consequences. I think our chemistry has a lot to do with me knowing what he would like to do to me- the fact that he's kinked in all the right places is incredibly tempting. When I can see in a guy's face all the dark and dirty things he'd like to do to me, it creates an echo in my own mind.

I get bored quickly with guys that don't have a kinky streak. I need it to keep me happy really. The two people I've had the most intense chemistry with are people I've known are at least a little bit kinky. I'd die if I had to survive on a diet of pure vanilla sex. So a guy that's a little bit dirty keeps me keen - boys that assume I want them (and are right, of course) always send the best kind of shiver down my spine. I guess that's why I'm never a big fan of shy guys, because it just frustrates me. While sometimes doing the chasing is fun, when it gets right down to the details I don't want to be the one in control.

I love a confident man who's a little bit naughty, who likes to push my boundaries a bit, who knows when I want him, and is aware of my submissive nature. Even the things I like to have done to me during sex give it away - I love to be on the bottom, to be held down and tied up, to have the back of my neck bitten. (To have any part of my neck bitten, really.)

I guess that's why I used to cam for strangers and enjoy it so much, because they were seeing me as a purely sexual and physical being - also why I get turned on when I'm being a promo girl, and get a pure sexual rush from being openly checked out by people.

I think it's funny because when most people say 'put on a pedestal' they don't quite mean it the way I do. I love to be put on a pedestal, but in a purely objectifying sense - I don't want to be mistreated, I just want to be treated like a much loved and adored possession.

Hmm, that's all for now.

Ciao,
Neri